So...

Today I just wanted to write, I have had a tricky past few weeks and I wanted to talk about how sometimes, infact rather often life is hard. 
I'm not talking about huge life events, I don't mean family losses, life changing injuries or terminal illness. I want to talk about how life can just get you down. My university days are over and although I can not  say I had the greatest time at uni I feel a hole. Don't get me wrong my family are warm, loving, supportive, everything you could want in a family. There are no screaming rows, stilted silences no tension over household chores or messy rooms. However since moving home I have felt distinctively flat, empty, grey. Something about not having the buzz of the Spotify top 50 playlist frequently punctuated by tuneless singing of often the wrong words, the constant footsteps and storming up and down the stairs and the all too often scream when a spider or far too often a mouse crept out of its lair (thank you brilliant student housing for that one). I know that I just need to get used to a different normal, after three years of accepting the singing, banging, mess, underwear everywhere I suppose its natural to miss it now. 
I've never had many friends, at school I got on with people but never bonded, never saw anybody socially, they were just people I ate lunch with. The true friends I have I could count on one hand (that's including my boyfriend and my cousin) and whilst I know should any of the three shattering things I first listed ever happen to me they would support without hesitation, I must admit to feeling alone. People have lives, jobs, families, they aren't always available when you might need a quick pick me up chat, in that sense university is very much a parallel universe. Whilst there I lived with girls who were all on the same course as I, we were all on the same timetable, we were together every second of every day, not least because we weren't very good at shutting doors when we were on the toilet or in the shower. That type of constant companionship is I feel what I am missing, I have forgotten how to be alone. 
I know a common theme nowadays is to blame social media and I didn't want to be that person. LORD knows I love social media, I live my life on it, like so many of us now do. I have thought long and hard about this, the reason for this empty alone sensation and although I know the root of my feeling is the adaptation to living at home I feel that social media is a factor. The constant stream of happy smiling people, laughing with friends and family makes me distinctively aware of the absence of such in mine. I am aware that nobody snapchats or instagrams or twitpics when they are sat alone on the sofa watching KUWTK reruns from 2009 eating the very last of the unwanted christmas chocolate, (bountys I'm looking at you) but that is a difficult thing to remember when you are doing just that. I don't blame social media for my feelings but I will say that to me they are a trigger, much like recovering addicts have things that make them want to replapse I've never felt more alone than when waking up and doing the morning scroll through every platform. 
This post isn't going anywhere, I haven't found any magical solution to this, there is no resolution just moaning and droaning but I wanted to talk about it and although I know nobody or very few people read this if you feel the same way know that you are not alone despite what you may think at the time.